so here's what happened (ivy's birth story)

This post has been months in the making. But the whole thing of actually having a baby to care for every day makes it tough to sit down and write. I've been asked frequently what "happened." It seemed like Ivy was suddenly introduced on Facebook as being early and tiny. So here's what happened...

At 30 weeks, the ultrasound indicated that baby was small. Like really small. Like in the 3rd percentile. So we were referred to a specialist in Dallas. We saw him a few times. He concurred that baby was small, but seemed healthy. We/she/I was diagnosed with IUGR--Intrauterine Growth Retardation. Most often it's an issue with the placenta. The doctor's felt like this was a placenta issue, and not another underlying issue that caused baby to stop growing. He predicted that at 30 weeks she weighed about 3 pounds.

We had goals. Make it to 31 weeks. Then 34. Then 37. We had two ultrasounds each week to make sure no other issues popped up. At 31 weeks, my blood pressure (which was perfect the entire pregnancy) went up a little. I tested for preeclampsia. The results were better than good. The doctor decided that my blood pressure was just a bit high during pregnancy. A little over a week later, I did another test, and the results were still good. I had an ultrasound at the end of my 34th week and my blood pressure was still high. The doctor told me to come in the following Monday, just to make sure things were OK.

That weekend I had a baby shower. Then my parents and my in-laws came over that Sunday to help us get things in place and the nursery put together. And are we ever glad that happened! On Monday afternoon, my doctor sent me to the hospital to do a third test for preeclampsia and to monitor the baby overnight. I rushed home to get a bag packed and reported to the hospital. I got my bracelet, put on my gown and cried as they blew a vein inserting the I.V. I'd just started week 35 and expected to be sent home on bed rest if my results showed preeclampsia. No big deal. I'd just binge watch a million series on Netflix.

My results came back on Tuesday evening. I had severe preeclampsia. Like so bad they weren't releasing me from the hospital. Because baby was tiny, she would need a NICU. I would need to transfer hospitals. I had to wait about an hour for the ambulance, so I pleaded with the nurse to let me shower, even though I needed to be in bed. She agreed to it, if I did it super quickly. I did. And then I rode ONE BLOCK in an ambulance to the hospital with a NICU. Oh. my. word. You truly can see each hospital from the other; they are SO close.

Once I got there and was set up in my room, my doctor came to see me. She let me know that they would deliver the baby at 4pm the next day. Knowing that I'd be on magnesium for 24 hours after the delivery (to treat preeclampsia), I absolutely hated the thought of waiting hours and hours to get that 24 hours started. I cried and begged her to move it up. The operating room was booked all day until then, so there was no flexibility.

Thankfully, Jeremy stayed with me that night. At 4am--less than six hours after I'd arrived in my room--three nurses bolted into the room, turned on all the lights and said, "It's go time!" Baby's heart rate decelerated three times. That's enough to getcha into the operating room sooner! They prepped me for the C-section in my room and on the way to the OR. (Side note: when we toured the hospital during our birthing class, the OR was freezing. But when your baby is headed to the NICU, it's heated!) Jeremy called our parents, and then came into the OR once things were ready to go.

At 5:05am, our sweet baby girl was born, wrapped up in her umbilical cord. She weighed 2 pounds, 14 ounces and was 15 inches long. Such a tiny thing! The NICU team did their preliminary checks, and then brought her to see us. It was my one glance for 24 hours. We were separated. She was in the NICU; I was being treated with magnesium. Neither of us were stable enough to visit the other. Of all the pain I experienced with surgery, the emotional pain of separation was the worst of all. For the most part, my mom stayed with me while Jeremy stayed with the baby. (She still wasn't named at this point!) I saw pictures, but she was under the bili lights, so I never really saw her.

At 5am the next morning--after firing one of my nurses for being awful and mean--I woke up sick. Two nurses came in, turned off the magnesium and morphine, and told me that it was time to shower, and then meet my baby. They did most of the work getting me ready to go, but I was willing to do most anything to get to my girl. The wheelchair ride down the long halls to the NICU was quiet. Once I got into her dark little room, I was able to touch her through the isolette while she was sleeping. The nurse shared when we'd be able to hold her. Because of the bilirubin therapy, we'd only be able to hold her for about 15 minutes a few times a day. It was excruciating, but some was better than none.

We were able to get some rest and food once in my swanky new room. (Which happened to cost more than any hotel we've ever stayed in.) At the appropriate time, we made it back down to the NICU. And then we talked names. We'd had it narrowed down to just a few. I'd hoped that when I saw her again, something would click, but it was still difficult. We both decided that we loved Ivy Beatrix. She had a name.

Dollar used for size perspective. She was so teeny tiny!

(Come to think of it, it may have taken an extra day to choose a name. The days definitely run together!)

(I just remember the clerk being SUPER put out with me for not having a name until Friday. Apparently that's unacceptable, and every other baby born on Wednesday had a name.)

(That didn't make it happen any faster.)

So that's how her story began. I'll share more about our 19 days in the NICU and her amazing progress. (Preview: she has some chunky thighs!)

a little too fluffy: an intro

If you're one of the ten or so long-time readers of my blog, you know that posts the last year have been spotty, at best. I've struggled with knowing what I want to post and living a relatively boring life. I'm guessing you don't want to know about how much I love Downton Abbey after binge-watching almost every episode since January. (I have four to go in the fourth season, so no spoilers, puh-lease.) Or about how my husband and our BFFs made me watch all of the Harry Potter movies in a six month period and I LOVED THEM so much. Basically, I love television and movies. That's not great blog content.

And here's the deal: I don't take pictures. Of course, sitting on the couch watching television for how ever many hours we've done is a bit boring. But the real reason is that I don't like myself in pictures. Since getting married, I've put on some happy weight. In fact, I put on way too much. We have approximately 12 pictures of years 2-4 of our adventures. And we do some fun stuff! I mean, we have scenery, but none of us. Because I don't want to be in them. I haven't wanted to look at me.

I'd had enough of that so mid-December, I joined Weight Watchers. I'd done it before, and it worked. I lost weight over the entire holiday season. Which is nuts. Then I lost weight over Valentine's Day and my birthday. I enjoyed all of these, but had so much more control over food. And believe me, I ate. I keep Trader Joe's Cookie Butter in my pantry, so I'm not surviving on dry chicken and broccoli. I'm not that person!

Now that spring is here (or not since it's chilly again), and I've been doing this for five months, my motivation is lagging a  bit. And I desperately want to shed another ten pounds before our summer vacation in mid-June. So this week on Instagram, I saw the call to join A Little Too Fluffy. It's a little weight loss competition.

Y'all. This is totally out of character for me. But it isn't the first thing I've done this year that qualifies as such. Which is probably why I joined--I have a bit more confidence. But still, it makes me nervous! I lose weight suuu-per slowly. It's frustrating sometimes, but I've learned it's the way my body works. So, the likelihood of me taking home any dollars at the end is pretty dang low. Also, it's really a challenge for me to be honest about these things. Although I'm a (neglectful) blogger, I'm reserved and a low-discloser. Maybe this is what I need, though, to make sure I'm actually IN pictures this summer, documenting a fun trip.

A Little Too Fluffy starts today. It runs for six weeks. We weigh in on Friday mornings. I'll do all of my weigh-ins as part of my Weight Watchers meeting. As of today, I've lost just over 20 pounds! I'm really happy with that number. Honestly, I thought about doing something to tip the scales in my favor and make it look like I weighed more today. But I didn't! In fact, I was so excited about my weight loss this week that I wanted to go as soon as I weighed at home!

My plan is to post about this journey a couple of times each week. But I'll for sure be posting pictures on Instagram. Even if you're not part of the actual group, consider joining along.

Here are my goals for this week:
1. Eat whole, unprocessed foods. (Any Weight Watcher knows the ease of pre-packaged stuff! Our farmer's market opens tomorrow. I plan to be there early!)

2. Workout three times.

3. Try a new recipe.

ash wednesday & lent

My first exposure to the liturgical calendar was in college when I worked at our family business. The girls in the kitchen were all Catholic. They all made a sacrifice for Lent, and since we were friends, they assumed that I would make a sacrifice, as well. And I did. I liked the idea, plus we were friends. Since college I've given up something for Lent each year, including Diet Coke, chocolate, cheese, Facebook, desserts and television.

(Then there was the one time I gave up hitting my snooze button. It sounded like a good idea based on the success my friend, Betsy, had the year before. For me? Major fail. Major.)

A few years ago, I began working at an Episcopal school. For the first several months I really struggled through the weekly chapel services. It was just so different than anything I'd grown up with. Things were read. Prayers were spoken aloud, together. There was a prayer for everything. For this girl who couldn't successfully get through a responsive reading at the back of the Baptist Hymnal, it was very different. Plus reading prayers seemed quite impersonal and lacking in meaning. But then? Chapel became easier. I looked forward to it. I started to really love the readings by verse, as well as speaking prayers that are spoken by so many others in the Episcopal church who pray the same thing on the same day. The liturgy went from odd to okay to more-than-okay to meaningful and powerful.

As much as I began to enjoy chapel services, it took me about three years to walk forward on Ash Wednesday for black ashes to be smeared into the shape of a cross on my forehead. That year, the bishop began his homily. And the Lord began to do a work in my heart. Here's an excerpt of what he shared:

Why ashes? They are a sign of repentance, of sorrow and remorse for sins, of the elements from which we are composed and to which our bodies shall return. They are a way of getting in touch with our basic humanness. Ashes are messy. Sin is messy. The cross was messy. The flogging and the thorns were messy. ... We cannot hide our identity. The ashes mark us. The universal Christian mark of baptism is not always a visible sign, but until we wash the ashes off, our Ash Wednesday worship visibly marks us as Christian. Christians ought always to be visible ambassadors for Christ--acts of love, justice, and kindness should make us continually visible.

That homily, that day marked the first time I had ashes smeared on my forehead. It was and is and outward symbol that I am sinful and messy. I like the idea of acknowledging that, of confessing that. 

I walked away from the service this morning with ashes in the shape of a cross on my forehead. It caught some by surprise who didn't attend the service. It actually caught me by surprise the first time I saw myself in the mirror. The ashes were dark and imposing, even though my hair covered a portion of the cross. 

This is the first year in a long time that I hadn't decided what to sacrifice for Lent. I stopped drinking Diet Coke in January, so that's out. I've been quite disciplined in my nutrition lately, so that seems too easy. Of course I could give up social media, but that seems so cliche. I prayed about it throughout the day. The one question I continued to dwell on throughout the day is: how will I wake up different on Resurrection Sunday?

This is the first time I won't sacrifice something, rather I'll add a spiritual discipline. On Easter I want to wake up knowing Christ more, loving Him more, hoping to be more Christ-like. Though this has been accomplished over the past few years by sacrifice during Lent, over the next 40+ days, I'll focus on my relationship with Christ. I'll be more structured than simply reading my bible passage for the day. I'll read and journal, pray and meditate on the Word. If you don't typically observe Lent, this is an easy, non-scary way to jump in. Here are a few resources that you might find useful: Journey to the Cross, The Gospel Coalition; She Reads Truth; Ann Voskamp; Praying Lent, Creighton University.

"Lent isn't about forfeiting stuff as much as it is about spiritual formation."

--Ann Voskamp

march goals

In January, I set out with the goal of being diligent. It is my one word for the year. Mainly because I like to resort to lazy. I can't think of anything I enjoy more than sitting on my couch, watching television for hours on end. I mean, I like doing other things, but binge-watching a series on a weekend is my favorite thing ever. This is only an issue because of everything else in life. We like to have friends and meals and clean clothes and clean sheets and a picked up house. On top of that, there's a job that makes me do things like get dressed every day. 

I've been super focused on nutrition the past couple of months. So of course I feel that everything else is crumbling because of the planning and cooking and cleaning. On Saturday, I was overwhelmed at the thought of every cabinet and drawer and closet that needs to be sorted. I'm at the point where I'm just tired of STUFF being in my house. I feel certain I'm not the only one who does this, right? So I started what I'll call the Everything-Must-Go Purge of Spring 2014. And you know that means things look worse. Because in a purge, things get much, much worse before they get better. Now there are piles in the floor of my bedroom and living room. And the great debate begins: donate or garage sale. Because I could use some cash for new flooring. But it's just so much work. Hashtag: first world problems.

In March, I'll be working through the Great Purge. Here are some other things I'd like to do, remaining diligent throughout:

1. read three books

2. walk the azalea trail

3. see Veronica Mars (the movie)

4. purge 200 items

5. visit tiger creek wildlife refuge

the day we all hoped for

Today, March 3, is a snow/ice day in east Texas. Again, in March. Cuh-razy. You should know that all winter we hoped for an unplanned day off--a snow/ice day--but it never happened. It snowed/iced to the north, south, east and west, but never in Tyler. It was so very disappointing. Every almost snow/ice day I wanted to throw a tantrum when I had to dry my hair, put on my makeup and get dressed.

To say that I'm excited is an understatement. I've had two cups of coffee and have a second pot brewing. I'm currently watching kelly & michael in my pajamas, under a blanket, hair pulled on top of my head, my sweet puppy snuggled close. I just tossed some steel cut oats on top of the ice for the birds so that they don't starve today. And I tried to take a picture to share, but it looks less than spectacular.

Side note: my computer has been dying a very slow death. It's about nine years old. And it's a Dell, so it's lived about 7.5 years longer than life expectancy. Apparently it's the most sturdy Dell on the planet because I can't break it, even when I try. [Not that I've tried...if my husband reads this.] Currently the sound is on mute, but there's static-y noise coming through the speakers, so as I type it sounds like Morse code or that something--or someone--is trying to communicate with me through a dying Dell computer. I'm not sure who that would be, but they like to communicate mostly through the keys on the right side of the keyboard. 

During the snow/ice storm last night, the lights flickered a few times and the cable went out for about 20 minutes. Which. Oh my word! The Oscars were on. Now, I've only seen two of the nominated movies: Gravity and Despicable Me 2, but I love the Oscars. And I didn't want to miss Ellen hosting. Thankfully, we were spared.

Today, I'm catching up on the DVR and continuing the Great Purge of 2014 that I started on Saturday. I'll drink lots of coffee. And make sure the birds have plenty of food.

december goals

december goals:

1. celebrate well

2. run / walk four times per week

3. see six movies

This month, I want to celebrate well. It's so important to me to prepare my heart for Christmas. I began celebrating advent about four years ago. Now, I can't imagine not taking time each day to focus on the coming of Christ. This year, I'm following along with She Reads Truth. Each day, along with scripture, is a devotional and an advent action. I've been reading along and journaling each day. It really is a special time. I feel like these scriptures are new, even though I've read them each at least a dozen times. If you haven't ever observed advent in preparing your heart for Christmas--or if you just haven't started this year, feel free to follow along with She Reads Truth! 

In addition to Christmas, Jeremy celebrates his birthday in December. I make a very concerted effort each year not to let his birthday celebration meld into Christmas. He actually has an exam the day before and the day after his birthday, so much of the celebration will be pushed to the weekend. But we'll have a great dinner and birthday cake on his birthday!

Let's be honest, I'm not always the best with follow through. It's a flaw. I often have the best intentions, but lack motivation after a couple of weeks. BUT I'm really, really going to attempt run-slash-walking [at least] four times per week. This in an attempt to counteract all of the delicious treats during the holiday season. Although I'd like to do this outside, I'm kind of a wimp when it comes to breathing deeply in the cold, so I have two options for going inside.

At the beginning of the year, we made a goal to see twelve movies together. So far we've seen six or seven. We've gotta make six movies this month! Jeremy will be finished with school next Thursday, so we'll for sure see The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug next weekend. Also on my list: Catching Fire, Philomena, Frozen, Saving Mr. Banks.

-ing

The past two weeks have been crazy. Of the ten business days, I was in the office for half of them. For the other half, I was on a bus with dozens of students. Two days with freshmen; three days with juniors. We visited seven college campuses and watched several movies. Because what else do you do for hours at a time on a bus? We traveled well over 1000 miles. But now? I'm home. And we're on Thanksgiving Break! Yesterday I desperately wanted to decorate for Christmas, but I forced myself to do nothing. Well, except for a visit to the grocery store, barn sale and salon. So here's what I'm up to:

::ADORING::

I participated in a couple of adoption fundraisers on Instagram (same family, two fundraisers). Each time, I paid $5 to send and receive a gift from someone. Most recently, I received my Christmas Exchange package. And OH MY GOSH. It was wonderful. I received on a day that was just crazy. And I hit the exchange jackpot! My super sweet exchange partner went above and beyond! Katy scoured my IG feed, noticed a few repeated themes and ran with it! I received my first coffee cozy (knitted by Katy) (or maybe crocheted?), the most adorable mini-dachshund hoop, felt donut ornaments (with supplies and instructions for me to create a couple more!) and a frame with several coffee prints to be changed as often as necessary (though that one seems quite perfect). 

::COOKING::

I decided that I should be able to cook lots this week. I planned a few meals and grabbed groceries. First up? Chicken & dumplings.You should know that I make really good chicken & dumplings. But I found a new recipe that I wanted to try.

If you grew up with a grandmother who made chicken & dumplings, then you know there are two teams: Team Fluffy Dumpling and Team Slick Dumpling. Grandmothers make only one version. Mine made slick dumplings. She had no use for fluffy dumplings. And I didn't either. (Because I'd never had them.) But I found a recipe that piqued my interest. The picture from this blog made them look not-too-fluffy. So I decided to give them a go. 

OH MY WORD. Y'all. They fluffed up nicely, but then they started to dissolve. Dissolve! For a pot of dumplings, there were only about a dozen semi-cooked dumplings when I pulled them off of the heat. 

Never again. Never. again. I'm sure my grandmother rolled in her grave when I decided to make a fluffy dumpling. I was left with a pot of dumpling broth, 12 semi-cooked dumplings, a huge mess of a kitchen and takeout from Jason's Deli. I vow to never stray from the recipe I've always used.

::READING::

The Funeral Dress | Susan Gregg Gilmore

I've enjoyed Gilmore's The Improper Life of Bezellia Grove and Looking for Salvation at the Dairy Queen, so I was excited when her next book released. I'm only a few chapters in, but so far, I really like it.

The Lumby Lines | Gail Fraser
The Mitford Series is one of my all-time favorite series. I found the Lumby Series and hope that it is as enjoyable, though it's been a rough start. (I've actually read the first three chapters several times, as I let so much time lag between readings.)

::CREATING::
As part of the adoption fundraiser (mentioned above), I created something Christmas-y to send to my Christmas Exchange friend. Here's the deal, I consider myself to be creative. But I don't create regularly, so it leaves me with a lack of confidence. So I mulled over what I would make. (The gift had to be handmade.) I decided to recreate felt hand-stitched ornaments that I made in college. I also did a very simple calendar and found some cute chalkboard tags. I'm sending it out tomorrow. It's a week late, so I hope she's super gracious. And that she loves her exchange.